A Heartfelt Goodbye to a Transformative Autumn

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Some lessons and life updates from this lovely but difficult autumn season.

Writing this, November is upon me and I feel the need to say a proper good bye to this autumn that has both challenged me and filled me with much joy. A few weeks ago I pondered the “purpose” of autumn in an Instagram post. As you know by now, my biggest motto in life is to find beauty in the small and simple things - the things one would ordinarily brush by without giving it much thought, the mundane everyday moments and objects. In these forgotten things I have found so much joy and reassurance over the years, and my main hope for my presence online is that I can share that perspective with others. Now autumn … autumn certainly makes a wonderful first step in that direction. During that time of year (depending on your hemisphere), when the leaves turn fiery and the air gets a thick muddy smell in it, it seems to be that the world’s eyes suddenly open up to these mundane beauties - after all what could be more mundane than the death of leaves as the seasons change? Yet, social media explodes with autumn content, people on the streets stop and take picture of a random tree in the sidewalk, and everyone seems to laud the fleeting wonderful beauty of it all. Who wouldn’t? All of this is to say: it’s easy to find the beauty in the small things in autumn. The world makes it easy for you - the vibrant autumn colors quite literally saying “look here, notice me, notice my beauty!” And for that reason alone I am so glad that autumn exists - to remind all of us of the beauty that can exist in the very simplest things. But as autumn fades, it’s our responsibility to retain that mindset. To keep finding that simple obvious beauty even in the dark gray of winter and blazing yellow of summer. Autumn is training wheels for the part of our brain that notices the small joys, and when the season ends those training wheels come off. I encourage you to keep the habit going all year round - find those small meaningful moments. They are all around you, all year long.

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I will be the very first to say that this autumn was filled with joy. Since moving to Indianapolis last winter, it was my first proper autumn in a few years, and I feel as if the city stepped up in its best fall colors just for me. The trees were so vibrant and varied I often felt I had stumbled into the much coveted New England Fall. I made great progress both professionally and academically, and I have my own space to decorate and live in this year. On the surface, everything was perfect, and it truly was. And most of the time I was happy, soaking in all the goodness that this autumn brought me. But a lesson I learned the hard way this season is that even if everything is going perfectly right, mental health doesn’t necessarily follow. I slipped into a pretty bad space mentally for most of the autumn season. I was very careful to keep it to myself, which good or bad, is why almost no one knew. But I was struggling with deep insecurities bubbling to the surface, and I felt vulnerable and most of all angry. This confused me to no end in the moment, as I couldn’t stop thinking: “but everything is going right, I shouldn’t be feeling this way.” But I did, and it was only when I admitted that I was struggling in the midst of such happiness that I could start working on getting better. But the bottom line is: mental health isn’t rational. You could have everything you ever dreamed of and still perhaps be in the worst mental headspace of your life. And while that is extreme relative to what I was feeling this autumn, it was a lesson the universe was clearly trying to show me.

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With this anger I felt that I was harboring this autumn, I found myself thinking very often “what did I do to deserve (insert bad luck or event)?”. My whole life I’ve been someone who believes that everything happens for a reason. But this autumn I had a sustained string of what seemed like bad luck. Each day I would wake up determined to make it a better day only to have some unforeseen and upsetting event happen that day. Over and over, it got to the point were Austin and I were joking that I was cursed. It was uncanny, and to this day I do not understand how so many bag things seemed to descend on me over the span of two months. All that time I was growing increasingly petulant with the universe, frustrated that it just wouldn’t let up on me. I kept asking for a sign for why it was doing these things to me, and well, one never came. And one tearful night toward the end of it all, Austin told me “some things just don’t have a reason. They just are.” It’s a simple concept, really, but one that I had a hard time wrapping my head around at first. I now don’t believe there was any greater purpose to the struggles I faced this autumn - just a combination of a random universe and deteriorating mental health. So, I know this won’t mesh with everyone’s beliefs, but it took a large burden off of me to simply accept that some things happen to us for no reason. Just terrible, random, chance.

we sourced our spring bulbs from Eden Brothers.

I’d like to note that I’m feeling much better as of late. The cold dark winter days lately have been grounding, and my mindset has shifted from feeling victimized to just rolling with the punches when they come. This fall I also got to do something I’ve been wanting to do for years - plant spring bulbs! I planted over 100 daffodil, tulip, and crocus bulbs in my parents yard in the middle of October. Every year I’ve wanted to do this, and every year I’ve forgotten because who on earth is thinking about spring when it’s autumn? But alas, you must plant your spring bulbs the autumn before. I particularly like this about bulbs - they teach patience, and work upfront for beauty down the line, even so far down the line we’re not thinking about it in the present. And really, that’s what this autumn taught me. Patience and trust that down the line, some distance far, everything I’m putting in now will bloom. I believe that with my whole heart. All my love to you, and I’m wising you a cozy and happy winter ahead!